Yes, I believe you are sovereign...I just sometimes doubt your goodness.

“Yes, I believe you are sovereign...I just sometimes doubt your goodness.”

As I laid in bed wrestling with my emotions and truth, I called out to my heavenly Father in all my confusion expressing to Him that “yes I believe You are sovereign... I just sometimes doubt your goodness.”

Yesterday, was a typical day. Breakfast at 7:30am. Homeschool and clean up from 8-1pm. Lunch at 1pm. Some down time till 3:15. Then soccer practice for the boys at 3:30. Tari stays with the boys and I go to swimming lessons with Abigail from 4-5pm. Then Abigail and I go back to soccer practice til 6pm.

Everything was going smoothly. Abigail had a great swimming lesson and was eager to play with Isaiah while Joseph finished his soccer practice. I sat comfortably in my camping chair reading a kindle book while glancing up every so often to check on the kiddos.

Abigail and Isaiah rushed happily to the monkey bars. Joseph’s team was playing a practice game.

After a few minutes I looked up and saw Abigail fall. She started yelling and coming our way. Tari rushed to her. I came rushing as I saw Tari begin to carry her. And that’s when my day changed...

It was very obvious that she broke something in her arm. I was just not sure what or how bad.

I called Buddy on the way to the hospital. He confirmed that he’ll meet me there.

Abigail was in lots of pain but my sweet girl would hush and still her little fears as I sang to her. Waiting, waiting to know what would come next.

In my mind the decision was settled. If anything was broken we were going to Cusco or Lima.

(Several years ago our national co-worker’s little boy broke his radius and ulna near his elbow. The doctors here “fixed it”. Unfortunately they had set the bones wrong, later he had to undergo surgery at another hospital to fix the problem.)

We arrived at the hospital, and quickly got care in the emergency room.

But the x-ray was awful because she was in so much pain.

The doctors were pressuring us to make a decision. Was she going to be admitted as a patient?!

Buddy does not do well in hospitals. He had to step out for some fresh air.

The nurse came by to take Abigail’s vitals and carelessly moved her broken arm causing Abigail to shriek.

A stray cat walked into our examination area. I tried shooing him away. The nurse asked me if I didn’t like cats. I said “I don’t think this is a place for a stray cat.” She responded “ You know, you are in the jungle”.  I was not pleased with that response to say the least.

Buddy in the mean time called the director of the hospital, who has come to be a friend, to ask for his professional advice of whether to take Abigail to another city. The director wanted to see the x-rays before making a decision.

I was in the exam room with Abigail and the techs were becoming very impatient. They wanted us to decide "were we staying the night or taking her home?"

Reasons going through my head of why not to stay:

1. There is currently an outbreak of hemorrhaging dengue. Just in the last month we have had the same amount of deaths as in all of last year. Staying would expose us to the risk of being bitten by infected mosquitos. 
2. It was an extremely hot night and the hospital is not well ventilated.
3. I was still hoping to go to another city for treatment.

Buddy finally returned confirming we were not staying the night.

The annoyed tech prepared the temporary splint. He then extended her arm causing Abigail to wail in extreme pain. I reminded him that she had not been given pain meds. I asked if he could give her anything for the pain before putting on the splint. He responded “no, because she is not staying the night”

We soon left the hospital with a whimpering little girl.

I went home confused, scared, and saddened.

Several of our doctor friends were writing, trying help us make a decision. So thankful for those dear friends.

The director called letting us know that in his oppinion it was not a complicated break. He reassured Buddy that the hospital was more than capable of taking care of it.

My emotions were everywhere, I had my mind made up. We were going somewhere else for better care.

But God was slowly revealing that those were not His plans.

That’s when the struggle became real.

“I believe that You are God alone but sometimes I still try to take control cause I get scared when I can’t see the end, And all You want from me is to let go” (lyrics to Still)

I went to bed upset, confused, scared and heartbroken.

These last few months...ok more like years have been really hard. I feel like God is stretching and slowly killing “me”.  He has exposed my ugliness in ways that I would not like to repeat.

Yet, in all the trials the theme has been the same.

“Loren, do you trust me and do you believe I’m good?”

That was the bottom line!

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I cried, prayed, I threw a tantrum, I cried some more. My sweet sister sent me these lyrics;

Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now am found

T'was blind but now I see

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear

And Grace, my fears relieved

How precious did that grace appear

The hour I first believed

Through many dangers, toils and snares

We have already come.

T'was grace that brought us safe thus far

And grace will lead us home,

And grace will lead us home

Amazing grace, Howe Sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost but now am found

T'was blind but now I see

Was blind, but now I see.

The next morning I woke up at peace with staying.

Ways God showed me His goodness:

• It was not a fatal situation. 
• Pastor Travis Smith called us and lovingly assured us of their prayers and financial support, helping to relieve the weight of making a decision due to finances and reminding me of God's love as a father. 
• The director of the hospital pulled all kinds of strings to get us his most trusted orthopedic specialist to set the bone and into the surgery ward right away.
• I was given special permission to be in the surgery ward with her. I knew most of the staff and they were happy to see me. They were tender and careful with Abigail. 
• We went in to the hospital today at 11:30am and were home by 3:30pm. 
• My loving husband stayed with us at the hospital. Setting aside time from his busy schedule to show me that we are important to him.
• It's a cool evening. 

"I bring my praise before my need 

Cause there's no fear You've not already seen

I rest my heart on all Your promises

Cause I have seen and know Your faithfulness

You're parting waters

Making a way for me

You're moving mountains that I don't even see

You've answered my prayer before I even speak

All You need for  me to be is Still

And know that You are God"

(lyrics "Still")